I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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