you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
