Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
