We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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