Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
