I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
