my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
