just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
