if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You smell like stripper and shame
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
