my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
