its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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