remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
