The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
