I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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