She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
