her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
