"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
