My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
