I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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