My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
