Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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