2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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