hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
