How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
