I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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