I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
