I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
