Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
