today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
