today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
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I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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