I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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