Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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