also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
