he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He? As in you personified your dick?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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