walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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