I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
