I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
