I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
