you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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