idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
