i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
