I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
