I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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