did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
