a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
