Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
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She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
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Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
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