Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
