Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
