I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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