I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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