Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
