how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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