apparently the secret to your success is patron
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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