I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
