just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
