this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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