I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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