I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
