he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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