I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
